One Year Reflections

Yesterday was August 31.

This date is significant to a lot of people who remember it as the anniversary of Princess Di's car crash. It is also my college roommate's birthday.

For me, though, it marked the end of an incredible chapter in my life. A chapter that closed suddenly yet very quietly.

One year ago yesterday, I walked out of my office at First Church of the Nazarene in Jackson for the last time. I said goodbye to no one in person, yet my heart said a thousand good-byes. After eleven years of involvement with this church family, and one as staff, countless numbers of people had made this place my spiritual home. Really, the first place I felt I truly belonged.

Many people who know me only superficially assumed that moving was easy for me because I was moving close to my family. Don't get me wrong... I love my family! I like living 3 miles from my sister and seeing her almost every day, not to mention actually watching her kids grow up. I missed that with my brother's kids (who recently moved away, but at least have cell phones and email!) So yes, having family near is good. But it's not a replacement for a church family.

I grew up in church. I love church. I have been part of some amazing churches growing up. But attending church as an adult is very different. I had to choose how to get involved. There was no pre-defined group for me to belong to anymore. The church was my oyster, I guess you could say. I tried choir, which didn't quite fit for me. I tried women's ministry - worse than choir. Then, Stephen was recruited to teach Kindergarten Sunday School. I came along for the ride, and found my passion.

Thus began a ten year process of education, mentoring, and leadership that resulted in obtaining my District License as Minister of the Gospel, and the position of Children's Pastor. Not every step was easy, nor fun, nor even clear. And I won't let nostalgia color my memories; there were times I hated my church, and felt abandoned by them. But God placed people in that church who encouraged me and loved me and supported me, and yes, even challenged me. Through them, I found my place, and learned to love God's people.

So, as I said good-bye to an empty building, I also said good-bye to hundreds of people who made First Church more than 4 walls. And I had to wonder, am I saying good-bye to part of me? Will I find this again? Will there be another place like this, that loves me, accepts me, encourages me, and supports me? Is my ministry to God's children over?

On my one-year anniversary, those questions still persist. We have found a new church home, and are enjoying becoming part of a new fellowship. But it's not the same. I'm no longer beginning the process of discovering who I am and what I want, so I have higher immediate expectations. I want so much to re-create my First Church experience, but I know that won't happen. I am trying to figure out my new role, and separate who I am in God from who I am in His church. Cognitively, I know they are different, but in Jackson, I found the fullest expression of who I am in Him through ministry to kids, and it was awesome!

I have now been gone from First Church longer than I was on staff. Yesterday reminded me that the most incredible chapter in my life is truly over. I think I'm making progress - I no longer tear up at the sight of Fun Size Twix bars, and I actually talked to my replacement at the church. Maybe I'm ready to fondly remember my experience (and encourage others that such a church can exist!), but look forward to what God is doing in and through me now.